What Does the Real Pain of Depression Look Like?
By Chris Coulter
This week marks a half year since our family's life was changed forever. The last six months has gone by so quickly but the scars will linger on forever.
We are always facing the question about 'why did Madeline have to die and could it have been prevented?' I've heard numerous comments about how the public health system failed us but it's not necessarily my entire belief. Maddie was loved by all around her and whether she fully understood how much she was loved, we will never truly know the answer. She showed and gave love beyond comprehension.
Maddie was in pain, tremendous pain that few can imagine and hopefully even fewer will understand in his/her lifetime. We believe she wanted to get better but the pain was so deep and uncontrollable at times. I recall when Maddie was out on a day pass from the hospital. She loved her lattes from the in-hospital Starbucks but she especially looked forward to her day-passes to go home. One afternoon on a day-pass she was at my house. It was just the two of us. Conversation was light, she was kicking my butt in Anomia, a game which she played with such vigor and enthusiasm. It was a game that she seldom lost at playing. That day was no exception and proceeded to annihilate me in quick fashion. Then something happened. Like a storm coming in off the ocean, a darkness came over her. She said, "Daddy, you need to take me back to the hospital." I don't know what she was suddenly overcome by but she realized she was in danger. In that moment, she felt a threat, a threat from within herself.
I don't begin to understand how she felt that day or on several occasions leading up to that fateful evening on April 10th but the pain she felt was real. Maddie was trying to protect the ones she loved the most at the sacrifice of herself.
Many say that suicide is a coward's way out but in fact I believe just the opposite. Maddie was trying to protect us throughout this terrible ordeal. She believed she was putting us through so much with her sickness and wanted us to stop having to endure through her private hell.
In the end, we believe she was trying to end our misery and not her own. She was doing this as an act of love for us and not an escape for herself. Maddie's last act was one of selflessness and not of selfishness. That is my belief substantiated by the tears that have flowed endlessly since that fateful night.
We are not even close to understanding how these angels feel or the pain that they must be enduring. We must start to hold these delicate youths with greater compassion and not with misunderstanding and trepidation.
Next week, over 100 men, women and children will be running on behalf of the Maddie Project. Our boys are running on behalf of her sister to raise money for youths struggling with mental illness. Please sponsor Sawyer and Zac for this very worthwhile cause. We thank you in advance for your continued support and generosity.
As many of us look to Thanksgiving as a long weekend in October, I will look at it very differently this year. I'm incredibly grateful for my boys and their love, and to my family and friends who have helped to make the last six months tolerable. I will always cherish our beautiful Maddie who showed us so much love until her last breath.
Let's talk openly and without prejudice about mental illness. Let's try to ensure that these angels are not suffering alone.
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