How Does Tremendous Purpose Come From the Darkest Tragedy?
Does the hurting ever stop? I don't know because I'm not even close to being there yet. A part of me wants the pain to go away but not at the cost of the memories. The memories are what I cherish, what I hold onto when I want to feel close to Madeline.
We tragically lost our daughter Madeline on April 11th, 2015. What I have experienced since that day has been unimaginable. My youngest son said to me, "Dad, I've seen you cry about 50 times in my life. Once two years ago and about 49 times in the last month." It's true.
It's been almost two months since we lost Madeline, yet I'm more emotional today than I was more than a month ago. My feeling of loss is more apparent than ever. In the first weeks following Madeline's service, I had had such clarity and focus. I had never been more productive and efficient at work. I almost felt guilty. Slowly over the next few weeks, the dark clouds started to set in, and my once crystal clear vision had become muddied. Each day is a new experience and unsure what the next day will bring.
Friends, family and complete strangers feel this need to ask me about it, for not acknowledging Madeline would almost be disrespectful. People want to help me somehow, but they're not sure how, and honestly I'm not sure how they can either.
We've seen incredible acts of kindness. People have dropped off prepared dinners and just made life more manageable. People dropping off gifts, food, pictures and notes of kindness. People offering to carpool the kids to sports and school events has made my life much easier. At times I wonder, "how did I cope with all this stuff previously?" I guess we just did.
Over the past month, I've seen what the power of social media is capable of doing. I had my first post go viral. I don't think it was because it was Pulitzer-worthy but that our family tragedy has become an important topic in conversations between parents and kids, teachers and students, and friends to friends. This is helping to destroy the stigma about mental illness. It's also given me a greater awareness of a community of suicide survivors. This is a membership that I'd rather not belong to. Unfortunately, I do.
Because of what we've been through with Madeline's death, people want to share with me their darkest and most personal secrets. On some level, I feel like a priest taking confession. I don't say this to be facetious, but I find that many people are dealing with some pretty serious issues. Thank you to everyone who has shared something deeply personal with me.
The other thing that startled me was how many people are facing mental illness issues. They may be dealing with depression personally or have a loved one that has been deeply affected by depression or anxiety. The positive takeaway is that people are seeking or have sought help for their illness. The bigger problem remains on how to get access to follow-up programs that exist. Navigating through the system is proving to be challenging for many of these people. This is the challenge that we faced with Madeline and her illness.
We've seen some wonderful fundraising initiatives spearheaded by Madeline's friends, parents, and people who want to contribute time, money, or resources. Many amazing people are trying to make an incredible difference in bringing access and awareness to the entire mental illness issue. A team is being organized to participate in the ScotiaBank Half Marathon. The Stony Lake Sprint is raising funds this year for greater mental illness awareness in Madeline's name. We have seen kids raising money by many creative means. A beautiful pendant is being produced on Maddie's behalf with half the proceeds going to this cause. Madeline's name is an endowment fund that can be reached through themaddieproject.ca for those who want to contribute to the cause.
NYGH Foundation is renovating a 15,000 sq ft century home called Phillips House which will house programs for families dealing with mental illness. The Foundation hopes that Phillips House will become a template for similar facilities that will emerge across Ontario and Canada. The talent and passion that this project has attracted are unprecedented.
People are putting their hand up. They are saying they want to help or they need help or both. The barriers are starting to come down. I only wish Madeline was here to see what she's helped to inspire.
I don't think the hurting will ever stop, and a part of me doesn't want it to. So much passion and purpose have come from this tragedy. The pain keeps you focused. The pain gives you resolve. The pain allows some stars to shine brighter for the benefit of others.
Please share and bring greater awareness to youth and adolescent depression and mental illness.
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