How Can I Possibly Deal with the Loss of My Perfect First Child?

How Can I Possibly Deal with the Loss of My Perfect First Child?

On April 10, 2015, my worst nightmare had come true.  My 14-year-old daughter Madeline had tragically passed away.  There are no words that can do justice to the loss of this nature.  There are no consoling words.  There is nothing that can prepare you.  The hollowness and emptiness that is left behind cannot be filled.

You cry uncontrollably. You feel guilt.  You feel anger.  You believe she's going to walk through that front door at any moment, but she doesn't. I'm not sure where in the five stages of grieving I am currently.  I know I've experienced all of the supposed emotions at least half a dozen times each. Maybe this is the part the theorists don't tell you about.  Maybe each experience is unique to each individual.

My daughter took her own life.  My daughter had been ill for the last number of months.  She had been in and out of the hospital since December.  She received wonderful care from the staff of NYGH Child and Adolescent Mental Health unit.  We so wanted her to get better, but she struggled.

Reading the tributes that came in honouring her, you would wonder why she could feel so sad, desperate, and incredibly alone.

She went out of her way to help people.  She helped complete strangers.  She was smart.  She had razor-sharp wit.  She was lovely, inside and out.  She was popular.  She possessed the qualities that most Grade 9 girls would envy.

She had the ability to light up a room with her laughter or her smile.  She had friends galore. She had more love surrounding her than a baby at a cupid convention.  But still, she is not with us today.

She suffered from depression.  Many questions are surrounding this area of study.  There are no quick fixes.  There are no simple answers.  This is not an exact science.

Adolescent depression and mental illness affect the lives of a significant number of teenage girls, their family and friends.  Our goal is to use this tragic event as an opportunity to bring greater awareness to an often silent disease.  We want to encourage adolescents to be able to raise their hand and say "I need help!"

People say that the stigma surrounding mental illness is no longer there.  I don't believe that to be the case at all.  The stigma still exists.  There are several young women like my daughter that are afraid to raise their hand.  Young girls can be judgmental and cruel.  A young woman's confidence so fragile.

Since we have been fairly transparent about our daughter's death, we have heard of several young women who raised their hands and said that they need help.  This is why we want to ensure that Madeline's story is told.  Madeline is not an anomaly.  On the outside, she would have appeared as normal as any other teenage girl but what was looming just below the surface helped alter the course of a family forever.

There has been an endowment fund set up through the NYGH Foundation called Maddie's Fund.  Its purpose is to bring awareness to adolescent depression and encourage teens to raise their hands and ask for help.  If another family can avoid the tragedy that we have suffered through our beloved daughter's loss, then this is our silver lining.

Please help bring greater awareness to teenage depression and mental illness by contributing to Maddie's Fund c/o North York General Hospital Foundation.