Friday 13 January 2017

Hockey Parent Insanity

Hockey Parent Insanity

By Chris Coulter
I've often said that there is a huge opportunity for a reality TV show focusing on Canadian hockey parents.  The most mellow and unassuming individual can be transformed into a hockey lunatic when his/her kid steps on the ice.  Multiply that fourfold when hockey playoffs are happening.

It's around this time of month that I usually write about Madeline, what we experienced with Madeline and going through the bereavement journey as a parent having lost a child due to mental illness.  What i'm writing about this month is more of a preventative measure for parents who have kids in competitive sports, and in my particular case, competitive minor hockey.

hockey parent insanity
The last year has made me particularly reflective about what could we have done differently, and more importantly how can we prevent the same tragedy from happening again.  I have two incredibly special boys that I need to be keenly aware of and watch for troubling indicators.

Over the years, hockey has given my kids a great deal of enjoyment.  They've developed and improved their skills, grown in character and have learned a respect and love for the game.  I love watching the boys improve, have successes and failures, and support them after great games and after lacklustre performances.

I've been associated with minor hockey for close to 10 years.  Many of those years I've been behind the bench in one capacity or another.  Hockey has been a great source of enjoyment for me.  I get to spend time with my boys and it's something we share and are passionate about together.  For any parent who has kids in the GTHL understand how much of a commitment it entails.  Hockey also represents an important part of my social fabric.  I've met some incredible people and parents over the years, many of which I will forever stay connected to in one capacity or another.  I've also met some absolute headcases who I've questioned how Children's Aid hasn't taken their kids from them.  Fortunately, most of the parents I have come across have been the former.
Admittedly, there was a time when I thought my kids were a unique and special talent and destined for greatness on the ice.  While my boys are both very good players, what is far more important to me is their personal experience both on and off the ice.  Their enjoyment and love of the game becomes my barometer for change.

Does Winning Equal Fun?

The short answer to this; it can be and it should be.  
It's my belief that the higher up the hockey ranks you move, the more difficult this becomes to achieve.  In the "G", the fall season is barely underway when discussions of "next year's team" become apparent.  Parents start having the quiet conversations with other parents, coaches and organizations about moving to a better team for the following year.  This lunacy in the AAA ranks can start as early as November for a team that won't officially start playing together until August or September of the following year.  It's insane!

Most of the better teams are predetermined well before tryout dates at the end of April.  Tryouts become validation of the year's upcoming team and where everyone officially signs their cards putting an end to the worst kept secret in minor hockey; the official team roster.

In the GTHL, many parents act as unofficial agents for their kids.  Many of the backroom dealings between parents and coaches, comes at the exclusion of the child in the process.  The parents too often equate winning to fun but it's wrong and often mistaken.  It's so important to listen to their child about their experiences on the ice and in the dressing room when making those decisions.

I asked both Zac and Sawyer what is more important to them, winning or fun.  Without hesitation both responded "Fun".  I then asked what was more important to them, playing on a first place team for a really tough coach which emphasized winning or a mid-pack team that still emphasized skills and team development but emphasized having fun.  Once again, both chose the team that emphasized having fun.  Both my boys are incredibly competitive and love to win but I found their responses enlightening.  Too many parents equate playing on a better team to a better experience.  The question becomes "a better experience for the child or the parent?"

As competitive as I am, I've learned to listen to my kids about their hockey experiences, expectations and want them to be included in that decision making process.  I remember when both Zac and Sawyer were in Tyke and driving them home after a game.  I'd look in the rearview mirror, and see them smiling in the backseat, licking their sour key after a great game and thinking, "wow, so innocent and so untainted".  Many years later, the financial outlay has increased significantly, the pressure to win has increased exponentially and there are significantly more nights spent in a rink than at home.  Has the boys' outlook and approach to hockey changed significantly?  I challenge that they feel greater pressure to be better, train harder and win more often but the true essence for them to play hockey is for the love of the game, the camaraderie on the ice and in the dressing room and ultimately to have fun.

Parents, we need to remember that image of our kids in the backseat with the sour key and the big smile on his/her face.  You may want to check to see if that same smile is there on the drive home after their next game....and what we can do to bring that smile back again!

Please share this if you know at least one insane hockey parent.  Let's start making hockey about the kids again.

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