Why This Year is Going to be a Very Different Kind of Christmas?

The Path of Regret Lasts Forever

I really miss my kids this time of year.  This year the boys were off with their Mom's family on a pre-Christmas trip to Belize.  They had limited access to wifi so texting and FaceTiming was challenging as well.  It's particularly difficult when you can't access them.  My emotions run so deep at Christmas.  All the memories come flooding back to you.  

Christmas was always Maddie's favourite time of year.  She would march around the house like a jovial old elf belting out Christmas songs like only Madeline could.  She was always the most curious of all the kids.  Checking the presents under the tree everyday to see if any new ones had appeared.  And if there were, closely inspecting the shape, weight and listening for anything that might offer a hint of its contents.  She was so grown up and yet Christmas always brought out a child-like innocence in Maddie.

People have been checking in more often, inviting me to dinner or to their Christmas parties. I've never been one to shy away from an invitation to a party.  I truly intend on going but sometimes it takes me every effort to get off the couch, get dressed and head out the door.  If I go, then I'm really glad that I went.  Some nights, the rollercoaster of emotion gets the better of me.  I can be walking through the house singing Christmas carols and the next minute I can be sitting on my bed wiping the tears streaming down my face.  I think about Maddie.  I think about other families that are going through their first Christmas without a loved one.  I think about my boys and not experiencing Christmas with their sister. It's sometimes overwhelming.

It's been said that Christmas time in particular brings out the worst and the best of people's emotions.  It's not a coincidence that suicide rates spike around this time of year. It's not that things have ever become that desperate for me but I do feel my emotions run higher.

One night this week, I was meeting up with some close friends at a pub at Yonge & Eglinton.  Sometimes a couple of close friends, some pints and a whole bar filled with strangers isn't a bad option.  We had been at the Duke of Kent for a few hours, I started talking to this older gentleman at the bar.  Jimmy was originally from Ireland and had immigrated to Canada about twenty years ago.  I asked him if he had family nearby.  He said that he had son but they hadn't talked in almost 10 years.  The effects of the beers had given me a little more boldness, so I asked where the problem had stemmed from originally and why they weren't talking.  Jimmy turned to me, looked at me and couldn't really recall what that defining moment was for them not talking for years.  I asked him if he missed him.  Jimmy said everyday.  I asked him why he just didn't reach out and try to start the relationship over again.  Jimmy shrugged and said that it had been so long and wasn't sure.  I proceeded to tell him about Madeline.  He turned to me and gave me a hug and said "Thank you."

I've always said that there's dysfunction in every family, it depends on how deep you want dig.  I know of so many families that don't talk to family members.  One thing that the last twenty months has taught me, don't wait until tomorrow to be the bigger person.  One day, that opportunity to say," I love you", "I'm sorry" or "Merry Christmas" will be gone. Don't forever live in regret if that opportunity should pass.

Old rivers run deep but the path of regret lasts forever.

Merry Christmas to everyone.  Hold your loved ones close to your heart always.

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