How Can I Possibly Deal with the Loss of My Perfect First Child?

How Can I Possibly Deal with the Loss of My Perfect First Child?

On April 10, 2015, my worst nightmare had come true.  My 14-year-old daughter Madeline had tragically passed away.  There are no words that can do justice to the loss of this nature.  There are no consoling words.  There is nothing that can prepare you.  The hollowness and emptiness that is left behind cannot be filled.

You cry uncontrollably. You feel guilt.  You feel anger.  You believe she's going to walk through that front door at any moment, but she doesn't. I'm not sure where in the five stages of grieving I am currently.  I know I've experienced all of the supposed emotions at least half a dozen times each. Maybe this is the part the theorists don't tell you about.  Maybe each experience is unique to each individual.

My daughter took her own life.  My daughter had been ill for the last number of months.  She had been in and out of the hospital since December.  She received wonderful care from the staff of NYGH Child and Adolescent Mental Health unit.  We so wanted her to get better, but she struggled.

Reading the tributes that came in honouring her, you would wonder why she could feel so sad, desperate, and incredibly alone.

She went out of her way to help people.  She helped complete strangers.  She was smart.  She had razor-sharp wit.  She was lovely, inside and out.  She was popular.  She possessed the qualities that most Grade 9 girls would envy.

She had the ability to light up a room with her laughter or her smile.  She had friends galore. She had more love surrounding her than a baby at a cupid convention.  But still, she is not with us today.

She suffered from depression.  Many questions are surrounding this area of study.  There are no quick fixes.  There are no simple answers.  This is not an exact science.

Adolescent depression and mental illness affect the lives of a significant number of teenage girls, their family and friends.  Our goal is to use this tragic event as an opportunity to bring greater awareness to an often silent disease.  We want to encourage adolescents to be able to raise their hand and say "I need help!"

People say that the stigma surrounding mental illness is no longer there.  I don't believe that to be the case at all.  The stigma still exists.  There are several young women like my daughter that are afraid to raise their hand.  Young girls can be judgmental and cruel.  A young woman's confidence so fragile.

Since we have been fairly transparent about our daughter's death, we have heard of several young women who raised their hands and said that they need help.  This is why we want to ensure that Madeline's story is told.  Madeline is not an anomaly.  On the outside, she would have appeared as normal as any other teenage girl but what was looming just below the surface helped alter the course of a family forever.

There has been an endowment fund set up through the NYGH Foundation called Maddie's Fund.  Its purpose is to bring awareness to adolescent depression and encourage teens to raise their hands and ask for help.  If another family can avoid the tragedy that we have suffered through our beloved daughter's loss, then this is our silver lining.

Please help bring greater awareness to teenage depression and mental illness by contributing to Maddie's Fund c/o North York General Hospital Foundation. 

How Does Tremendous Purpose Come From the Darkest Tragedy?

How Does Tremendous Purpose Come From the Darkest Tragedy?

Does the hurting ever stop? I don't know because I'm not even close to being there yet.  A part of me wants the pain to go away but not at the cost of the memories.  The memories are what I cherish, what I hold onto when I want to feel close to Madeline.

We tragically lost our daughter Madeline on April 11th, 2015.  What I have experienced since that day has been unimaginable.  My youngest son said to me, "Dad, I've seen you cry about 50 times in my life.  Once two years ago and about 49 times in the last month."  It's true.

It's been almost two months since we lost Madeline, yet I'm more emotional today than I was more than a month ago.  My feeling of loss is more apparent than ever.  In the first weeks following Madeline's service, I had had such clarity and focus.  I had never been more productive and efficient at work.  I almost felt guilty.  Slowly over the next few weeks, the dark clouds started to set in, and my once crystal clear vision had become muddied.  Each day is a new experience and unsure what the next day will bring.

Friends, family and complete strangers feel this need to ask me about it, for not acknowledging Madeline would almost be disrespectful.  People want to help me somehow, but they're not sure how, and honestly I'm not sure how they can either.

We've seen incredible acts of kindness.  People have dropped off prepared dinners and just made life more manageable.  People dropping off gifts, food, pictures and notes of kindness.  People offering to carpool the kids to sports and school events has made my life much easier.  At times I wonder, "how did I cope with all this stuff previously?"  I guess we just did.

Over the past month, I've seen what the power of social media is capable of doing.  I had my first post go viral.  I don't think it was because it was Pulitzer-worthy but that our family tragedy has become an important topic in conversations between parents and kids, teachers and students, and friends to friends. This is helping to destroy the stigma about mental illness.   It's also given me a greater awareness of a community of suicide survivors. This is a membership that I'd rather not belong to.  Unfortunately, I do.

Because of what we've been through with Madeline's death, people want to share with me their darkest and most personal secrets. On some level, I feel like a priest taking confession.  I don't say this to be facetious, but I find that many people are dealing with some pretty serious issues.  Thank you to everyone who has shared something deeply personal with me.

The other thing that startled me was how many people are facing mental illness issues. They may be dealing with depression personally or have a loved one that has been deeply affected by depression or anxiety.  The positive takeaway is that people are seeking or have sought help for their illness.  The bigger problem remains on how to get access to follow-up programs that exist.  Navigating through the system is proving to be challenging for many of these people.  This is the challenge that we faced with Madeline and her illness.

We've seen some wonderful fundraising initiatives spearheaded by Madeline's friends, parents, and people who want to contribute time, money, or resources. Many amazing people are trying to make an incredible difference in bringing access and awareness to the entire mental illness issue.  A team is being organized to participate in the ScotiaBank Half Marathon.  The Stony Lake Sprint is raising funds this year for greater mental illness awareness in Madeline's name.  We have seen kids raising money by many creative means.  A beautiful pendant is being produced on Maddie's behalf with half the proceeds going to this cause.  Madeline's name is an endowment fund that can be reached through themaddieproject.ca for those who want to contribute to the cause.

NYGH Foundation is renovating a 15,000 sq ft century home called Phillips House which will house programs for families dealing with mental illness.  The Foundation hopes that Phillips House will become a template for similar facilities that will emerge across Ontario and Canada.  The talent and passion that this project has attracted are unprecedented.

People are putting their hand up.  They are saying they want to help or they need help or both.  The barriers are starting to come down.  I only wish Madeline was here to see what she's helped to inspire.

I don't think the hurting will ever stop, and a part of me doesn't want it to.  So much passion and purpose have come from this tragedy. The pain keeps you focused.  The pain gives you resolve.  The pain allows some stars to shine brighter for the benefit of others.

Please share and bring greater awareness to youth and adolescent depression and mental illness.

The Maddie Project: Website, FaceBook Page, Instagram

I'll Always be Maddie's Dad....I'm Just a Lot Sadder Now

I'll Always be Maddie's Dad...I'm Just a Lot Sadder Now

Earlier this week was Suicide Prevention Day. It's been more than 6 years since we endured the tragic loss of our beautiful daughter Madeline. Since this tragic event devasted our family's lives, I have felt a multitude of different emotions ranging from anger, gratitude, helplessness and of course, inconsolable sadness.

I read a blog post by Paula Stephens, "What I Wish More People Understood About Losing a Child" which prompted me to write this.  Some of the themes are similar but from my perspective in my "new normal" world.

1. Remembering Madeline: I will always have three children.  Admittedly, I'm innocently and often asked: "how many children I have?"  Do I answer two or three?  I don't want to make someone feel terrible for asking such a common and innocent question.  If I expand upon the reality of the situation, the conversation takes a different direction, or a real awkwardness appears.  But by not acknowledging Madeline would disrespect her and not celebrate the beautiful person she is, regardless of what form she may take on

      2.  A part of me has died with the loss of Madeline

I'd be lying if I told you I didn't fight tremendous sadness every single day.  The truth is I have days where I struggle to get out of bed and other days where I grab hold of that negative thought and refocus it in a direction that serves me well.  I have days when I feel on fire with enthusiasm, and other days that I have a hard time convincing myself to take another breath.  I'm still trying to figure this thing out.  

The good thing is I'm back talking to my psychiatrist regularly, and I've relented in my belief that I can figure this out on my own.

     3.  The Toughest Days of the Year

Paula referred to the toughest days of the year for her are her son's birthday and the anniversary that he passed away.  Paula wrote her blog post four years after the loss of Brandon.  I'm a relative newbie at this, so perhaps over time, I will gain a different perspective.  Thus far the toughest day for me has been Father's Day and every day, I'm away from my boys, which represents half of the time.

     4.  Spare Me The Details

Madeline took her own life and "The Maddie Project" helps bring greater awareness to teenage mental illness.  Tremendous initiatives have been taken in fundraising to honour Madeline.  We want to continue to honour our daughter and remember her as an incredibly spirited young woman who was so selfless in her approach with people.  Madeline put her energies into helping others at the sacrifice of her own needs.

Please don't ask me about the events of that tragic evening on April 10th, for I choose to remember her for all the good things about Madeline that should be celebrated.

     5.  That Awkward Conversation

Let's face it, there's nothing you can say that will make me feel better, so don't try.  I don't mean to sound irreverent about things for it's just the reality of my world.

The one thing you can do is help to spread the word about The Maddie Project.  If we can prevent another family from having to endure what we've gone through, then this is why The Maddie Project is such an important legacy.

     6.  Grief Shouldn't Be Quantified

One of my good friends recently lost his father.  His father had led a long and healthy life to the ripe old age of ninety.  My friend said he felt guilty talking to me about it and that his father's loss was "like having the flu" compared to my loss of Maddie.

Everyone has or will at some point have to deal with their own personal tragedy.  The loss of a child is probably right up there on the scale of terrible things to have to endure in life.  Grieving is grieving regardless of the situation.  Each situation needs to be respected and certainly shouldn't be justified or quantified.  Grief is a very personal experience and should never be compared.

     7. Being Truly Grateful

Many people don't understand where I'm coming from; I'd recently lost my daughter, and yet I'm trying to help parents who are dealing with a child who's experiencing depression or other mental illnesses.  If I can help, then I genuinely want to help.  I want to help you have a different outcome then what we experienced.  Please don't feel guilty by accepting my offer of help because you're helping me deal with my personal tragedy.

     8.  It's OK To Embrace the Sadness

I hate the expression "Stay Strong".  By adhering to this means you're suppressing how you're really feeling.  I noticed a lot of my boys' friends say this often.  This can manifest itself in many different ways, with many potentially negative consequences by not expressing your true sadness.

The expression should be, "Stay strong by showing you're vulnerable, asking for help and being honest with your feelings".  This is the message to kids and parents that The Maddie Project wants to deliver.

Please share this post and follow.

The Maddie Project: Website, FaceBook Page, Instagram, Twitter

Yes, I'm Maddie's Dad and I Couldn't Be More Proud

Yes, I'm Maddie's Dad!

Today's the four-month mark since Maddie's death.  Barely an hour goes by without Maddie crossing my mind, but this time of the month in particular rains pretty heavy on me emotionally.  For her brothers and her Mom, I know the emotion runs high as well.  

I've been at the cottage with the boys for the last week.  I love this place, but there's an obvious void, and something will always be missing.  Maddie's 14-year cousin, Emma, is up here.  This is where Emma and Maddie's friendship and closeness developed.  There is still lots of laughter, but something will always be missing for all of us; our trips to the cottage will forevermore be changed.  Maddie and Emma were ringleaders in crime, co-conspirators of mischief and a primary source of evening entertainment.

There's always a slight pause in the activity.  We rarely acknowledge it, but we all know there's a very conspicuous absence and that absence is Maddie.  Whether it being her contagious laughter, inappropriate comments (that she got from me) or desire to do something completely different than the norm; this was her stomping ground and where she felt at ease.  She was very fortunate to have two family cottages; one on Stoney Lake and one on Baptiste Lake but visits to both will always be different for everyone.

This past weekend, the boys and I went down to Stoney Lake (Maddie's Mom's cottage) for the Stoney Sprint.  This was where we spent a lot of time as a family and where the kids spent a lot of time post-separation.  It was the first time I'd been back on Stoney Lake since 2010.  Stoney is rich in tradition, and many families have been on Stoney for generations.  There were many familiar faces that I recognized from past years.  This year's Stoney Sprint took on a different feel.  There was an air of spirited participation for the run and a sombre feel because Maddie had been an active participant in the Sprint, past regattas, Mile Swims and several other activities around the lake.  Stoney had lost one of its children, and everyone knew it.

 A raffle had been set up to support The Maddie Project.  People on Stoney Lake and within the community had donated incredible prizes and people purchased the tickets in droves.  Everyone felt attached to the cause because Maddie's death has touched so many of us.  When Maddie's Mom, Nicole, spoke so passionately about the Maddie Project at the Stoney Sprint, few people can say they weren't affected by her words.  Because many of the people knew Maddie and the German family and because many of us have been touched by someone who has suffered from teenage mental illness and depression.  The Stoney Sprint raffle has raised more than $12,000 for the Maddie Project.

To date, the Maddie Project has raised more than $150,000 to help bring awareness and access for families with teens suffering from depression and mental illness.  Conversations are starting to occur between friends, families and mental health professionals and we are aware of no less than ten teens that have put up their hands and say they need help to deal with life's challenges.

The Stoney Sprint is one initiative, and there are several others underway.  We are making a difference, and creating awareness and reducing the stigma associated with mental illness has a profound impact.

A few weeks ago, I was coming home from a long, sweaty mountain bike ride and at my doorstep was a volunteer canvassing for CAMH.  CAMH is an amazing organization that helps thousands of Canadians dealing with mental health issues.  Upon my arrival I saw his name tag and that he was with CAMH and I expressed that I'm a supporter of CAMH and know several people that have had their lives profoundly affected by the services of CAMH.  Our conversation continued, and I expressed how we had recently lost our daughter to depression and that we had created a Foundation on her behalf.  He asked what our foundation was called and I said "the Maddie Project".  He looked at me in disbelief.  He said, "You're Maddie's Dad?!"  He extended his hand and shook my hand vigorously.  He said," You guys are doing an amazing job.  We are huge fans of what you're doing."

Most of the credit should go to Maddie's Mom, Maddie's friends and parents who have embraced the cause with such passion and vigour.

Anyone who feels that we are not making a difference should look at the kids who have raised their hands for help, that passion that has embraced the Maddie Project cause and the number of funds that are continually being raised to support such an incredible cause.

Yes, I'm Maddie's Dad, and I couldn't be more proud to have a daughter that has inspired so many!

Please share and let people know how we're making a difference!