I've not written about Maddie in more than six months. I get emotional while writing about something so near and dear to my heart. I often ask if I'm writing for myself or for others? Does reliving the pain help me to deal with my grief? I realize that not writing about Maddie makes me lose the vividness and clarity that will always be my daughter and one of my three children.
Much of my writing about Maddie stems from our experiences that started about six months before her passing. In my writing I've talked about: strategies that parents can hopefully learn from our loss; how it's affected our family and friends; sharing the awareness that has come from our loss; and some of my innermost thoughts, feelings and emotions that largely I'm asked about by people that have reached out because of my writing or shared experiences.
Much of the messaging over the course of the last two and a half years has been centred around awareness and prevention. Not enough has been focused upon the life lived for the lion's share of Maddie's almost fifteen years. The real legacy of Maddie Coulter should be focused upon the tremendous person she was and not the kid who ended her life so suddenly with so much promise. Those fading details are the things that I want to cherish and honour my daughter's memory with. For all the good that has been achieved in Maddie's loss, it would be lost upon us if we didn't acknowledge the life that she lived, the person she was, and the lives she touched along the way.
These are the things I miss most about Maddie.
- I miss the huge collection of girls shoes and boots at the front door that makes opening the door a challenge at times.
- I miss Maddie's constant requests to clean her room and my pleas being ignored for the most part. On that occasion that Maddie would clean her room, she would come to me all proudly and ask me to look at her clean room, even though I knew she shoved most of the clutter in her closet, drawers or under her bed.
- I miss those special requests of items to be added to our grocery lists like quinoa, kale, special shampoos, conditioners and special bubble bath salts.
- I miss the shouts from her bedroom after she posted something on Instagram to "Like my picture."
- I miss her singing Adele at the top of her lungs in the shower.
- I miss the goofy Snapchat photos that she would want me to pose for while driving in the car or the selfies she would take constantly.
- I miss all the comments about my wardrobe she would make and that we were not living in the 1980s or the comments about how I got it all wrong when buying her a birthday or Christmas presents and should stick to giving her gift cards.
- I miss her sitting with me while combing online dating site profiles and her giving me the thumbs up or thumbs down (by the way very few got her approval)
- I miss us watching classic movies together that she would let me select (her favourite was Stand By Me).
- I miss our trips to go eat at Freshii or the Sushi Shoppe.
- I missed her sensitivity and empathy when she knew I'd had a tough week, giving me a big hug, seeing how I was doing and saying, "I love you, Daddy."
- I miss that ruckus laugh and bold, outrageous character that she often had and didn't care who she was around when she had it that could shake a house and light up a room when she was in it.
- I miss her bossing Zac around and Zac being only too happy to conform to her wishes.
- I love how she automatically held the shotgun position in the car, and the boys didn't even dispute the issue. She would allow Zac to be in the front seat of the car only on Wednesday mornings.
- I miss her absolute love of music and her ability to recite every lyric from every song and her unabashed way of singing at the top of her lungs.
- I loved how she started a One Direction fan club on Twitter well before they became popular and had over 1,500 followers within a couple of weeks.
- I miss her intensity, focus, and how she would motivate herself before every swim meet or race.
- I miss how non-conforming and individualistic she was. She only did the things that she wanted to do. She was one of the first kids to go to Camp Wapamao but left because too many of her friends started going and there was too much drama about who would be in her cabin.
- I miss all the videos she would create within PhotoBooth that would mysteriously appear on my computer or iPhone.
- I miss E-Mad. Madeline and her cousin Emma would perform comedy skits and entertain everyone after dinner each night at the cottage. They would include Zac and Sawyer in the production but make no mistake, it was all about Emma and Madeline.
- I miss how Maddie and Emma could absolutely make my mom lose her mind in frustration with their antics.
- I missed all three kids sleeping the same bed on Christmas Eve and waking up at 4am and try to negotiate with me to get up and start unwrapping presents.
Admittedly, some of the details and vividness are starting to fade. I never want this to happen, but unfortunately, it is happening. We can capture things with pictures and videos, but the very essence of Madeline's personality needs to be constantly refreshed in my memory banks. The place she holds in my heart will always exist, but those individual stories, Maddie's personality, need to be replenished.
The Maddie Project is a wonderful initiative and continues to address some fundamental challenges within our society related to youth and adolescent mental illness. Let's not forget the young girl who made this initiative so important, necessary, and relevant.
If you have an exceptional memory or story of Maddie, I would love for you to share it with me. You can either leave it in the comments section or email me privately to chrisrcoulter@gmail.com. If you could put "A Personal Maddie Story" in the subject header and if you'd like to share it publicly or keep it private.
Let's continue to keep the spirit of Maddie Coulter alive. Thank you!
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